My oldest son, in second grade, has been working on a research project for school. Because he has a certain desire to scare the crap out of his mother, he chose her least favorite animal to study: The Boa Constrictor.
For those of you who live under a rock, a Boa Constrictor is the type of snake from which nightmares are born. They're huge, long, and can suffocate you to death by squeezing the very life out of you. Besides that, they are wonderful creatures!
We've done everything we can to help support our son in his project. Last week we spent half the weekend re-writing his project so it was what we like to call "accurate". Yesterday (Saturday), he let us know that he needed pictures of a Boa to use for this final project presentation (part of a tri-fold board). They have to be good pictures, he said, but they can't be drawings. Oh.... and they're due on Monday.
I like to think of myself as a good father, so I wanted to do this right. He wants pictures? We're going to get pictures!! Immediately I booked a flight for South America, packing only a pair of shorts, a shirt, and my Nikon DSLR. My son will be successful in this project; I will not be made to look a fool with his presentation!
My wife refused to drive me to the airport; she kept trying to tell me something about getting the pictures, but I'm the photographer here, not her, so what the hell?? An Uber was all I needed to get there, and dammit that's what I did!
The flight was pretty easy. I read up on how to properly photograph a Boa, what they like to eat, etc. Granted I could have done more research than just reading my son's presentation, but it seemed complete enough.
When I arrived in the South American jungle, I realized I may have bit off more than I could chew... A giant bug landed on my leg. The thing was at least 10 feet long with around a million legs and big, gigantic pincers. While trying to brush it off, it bit into my neck and I'm pretty sure I passed out. The next thing I knew, I was deep in the jungle, stuck in its nest, wrapped in some sort of webbing.
Having seen plenty of jungle movies, I made sure to have a large, serrated knife on me at all times. Cutting myself free, I ran into the dense forest as fast as could, eluding those multi-legged bastards. As I ran, I tripped on a fallen branch, splaying myself in the mud. My camera broke, as did my nose, and I'm pretty sure I sprained my ankle.
Being the ingenious person I am, I pulled out my trusty roll of duct tape and patched up my camera. It was a little giggly, but it still worked.
Limping through the jungle, bruised and bloodied, I finally found what I was looking for! The elusive Boa, laying in the mud, relaxing in the midday rain forest sun.
Slowly I approached, tiptoeing, taking slow, deliberate breaths. The great snake eyed me, watched as I took out my camera... aimed...
Before I knew what was happening, the snake had wrapped itself around me, its grip tightening. I couldn't breathe, my ribs were cracking. Once, twice, three times I hit the snake. It's head, its tail, anywhere I could find. The snake squeezed harder, I could feel myself going faint. I knew my arm was broken; at least one lung was punctured. Death was imminent.
As the snake started to ingest my head, it suddenly released me, spat me out. Maybe it was that I hadn't showered in days... maybe the gallon of Old Spice cologne I put on earlier in the day. Regardless, the snake let me go. I was free!!
Rolling over, feeling myself ready to pass out, I pulled the camera to my face and quickly snapped my photograph. The sweet release of sleep quickly followed.
Hours later I awoke, in pain, but the great snake and creepy insects were all gone. I dragged myself back to the airport where my ride home was waiting. I slept the whole flight home.
After getting another Uber back home from the airport, I burst through the door in triumph!
"I'm home, loving family, and I have the picture!!!"
"But dad," my oldest says, "mom just looked on Google Images and got what we needed. My project is done!"
Apparently that's what my wife was trying to tell me the whole time. Who knew?!?
At the least I got a picture of a Boa Constrictor. Apparently my hand was in the way, though. Damn photography...
For those of you who live under a rock, a Boa Constrictor is the type of snake from which nightmares are born. They're huge, long, and can suffocate you to death by squeezing the very life out of you. Besides that, they are wonderful creatures!
We've done everything we can to help support our son in his project. Last week we spent half the weekend re-writing his project so it was what we like to call "accurate". Yesterday (Saturday), he let us know that he needed pictures of a Boa to use for this final project presentation (part of a tri-fold board). They have to be good pictures, he said, but they can't be drawings. Oh.... and they're due on Monday.
I like to think of myself as a good father, so I wanted to do this right. He wants pictures? We're going to get pictures!! Immediately I booked a flight for South America, packing only a pair of shorts, a shirt, and my Nikon DSLR. My son will be successful in this project; I will not be made to look a fool with his presentation!
My wife refused to drive me to the airport; she kept trying to tell me something about getting the pictures, but I'm the photographer here, not her, so what the hell?? An Uber was all I needed to get there, and dammit that's what I did!
The flight was pretty easy. I read up on how to properly photograph a Boa, what they like to eat, etc. Granted I could have done more research than just reading my son's presentation, but it seemed complete enough.
When I arrived in the South American jungle, I realized I may have bit off more than I could chew... A giant bug landed on my leg. The thing was at least 10 feet long with around a million legs and big, gigantic pincers. While trying to brush it off, it bit into my neck and I'm pretty sure I passed out. The next thing I knew, I was deep in the jungle, stuck in its nest, wrapped in some sort of webbing.
Having seen plenty of jungle movies, I made sure to have a large, serrated knife on me at all times. Cutting myself free, I ran into the dense forest as fast as could, eluding those multi-legged bastards. As I ran, I tripped on a fallen branch, splaying myself in the mud. My camera broke, as did my nose, and I'm pretty sure I sprained my ankle.
Being the ingenious person I am, I pulled out my trusty roll of duct tape and patched up my camera. It was a little giggly, but it still worked.
Limping through the jungle, bruised and bloodied, I finally found what I was looking for! The elusive Boa, laying in the mud, relaxing in the midday rain forest sun.
Slowly I approached, tiptoeing, taking slow, deliberate breaths. The great snake eyed me, watched as I took out my camera... aimed...
Before I knew what was happening, the snake had wrapped itself around me, its grip tightening. I couldn't breathe, my ribs were cracking. Once, twice, three times I hit the snake. It's head, its tail, anywhere I could find. The snake squeezed harder, I could feel myself going faint. I knew my arm was broken; at least one lung was punctured. Death was imminent.
As the snake started to ingest my head, it suddenly released me, spat me out. Maybe it was that I hadn't showered in days... maybe the gallon of Old Spice cologne I put on earlier in the day. Regardless, the snake let me go. I was free!!
Rolling over, feeling myself ready to pass out, I pulled the camera to my face and quickly snapped my photograph. The sweet release of sleep quickly followed.
Hours later I awoke, in pain, but the great snake and creepy insects were all gone. I dragged myself back to the airport where my ride home was waiting. I slept the whole flight home.
After getting another Uber back home from the airport, I burst through the door in triumph!
"I'm home, loving family, and I have the picture!!!"
"But dad," my oldest says, "mom just looked on Google Images and got what we needed. My project is done!"
Apparently that's what my wife was trying to tell me the whole time. Who knew?!?
At the least I got a picture of a Boa Constrictor. Apparently my hand was in the way, though. Damn photography...
Well done ! 😂😂
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